How to Forgive and Let Go Without Being Weak or Submissive
Who hasn’t been hurt by someone, either physically, emotionally, or both?
Just a few words can feel like someone just punched you right in the heart, and then strolled off without a backward glance.
Sadness, confusion, and rage can flood your system and leave you a sweaty, shaking mess.
Storm clouds of resentment or anger start thundering in your head. The thoughts circle around and around, stealing your focus and blocking out happiness.
You can't stop thinking about what they did to you.
Or perhaps you can shove all that emotion down, but you wonder why you start to feel hollow inside, or experience aching or stabbing pain in your back, hips, or solar plexus.
So how can you let go, forgive, and break free of the negative experience so you can access joy?
Get Specific – Write it Out.
The first step towards forgiveness and letting go is to get specific about how the experience negatively impacted you. You will achieve clarity twice as quickly if you grab a pen and paper and write out what it was that hurt you instead of just thinking about it.
Why? You will stop thinking in circles. Put pen to paper, and you won’t repeat the same sentences over and over again.
Explore what happened and why you are upset.
Did what was done infringe on your dignity as a human being? How?
Is someone abusing you verbally or physically?
Did they try to control you or take away your power?
Did they try to make you feel small?
Did they disrespect you?
Did they withhold love?
Did they break a promise?
Did they use you?
Did they ‘just’ act rude, ungrateful, or take you for granted?
Did they reject you?
Analyze your situation. Can you talk with the person who has hurt you and ask for a sincere apology, make amends, and request them to never engage in this behavior again?
Can you trust this person to keep their word?
Forgiveness is not condoning or pardoning lousy behavior. You do not need to turn the other cheek just to get slapped twice. Not challenging or excusing bad behavior can be damaging- not only to you but to other people and the perpetrators themselves.
Researchers found that forgiving can raise the chances of the transgressor hurting you again because they no longer face negative repercussions such as criticism, loneliness, and guilt (1).
Another study found that people were less likely to transgress against someone whom they saw as agreeable if they also were a friendly person.
You can turn the other cheek to get kissed where you can trust the behavior won’t happen again. It may be able to heal the cracks in the relationship.
The good news is that there are levels of forgiveness.
Forgiveness does not require a sincere apology and amends to take place. Read on to learn how you can release the hold a person has over your body, mind, and emotions, even if they don’t apologize.
Eye-to-Eye with the Fear
Please note: (If you are trapped in a situation in which you are being abused, and you can’t get out, please seek help to get to safety. Forgiving someone who will hurt you again is NOT THE ANSWER.) Perhaps there is part of you that thinks you deserve the terrible behavior, the hurt. You deserve love and respect. Please don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
If you're hurting, there is almost always fear that is clinging to you. There is fear that it will happen all over again.
Take a breath and thank your mind for its obsession with what has hurt you. Your body and mind are remarkable; they have been formed to protect you.
You may be fed up with the constant negativity and rumination. You want to let go, feel light and carefree, enjoy life, smile, laugh easily again, feel joy, and be fun to be around.
The brain and body have the best of intentions for you. They want to keep you safe.
It might sound stupid and out there for you, but thank your mind and body. Assure your mind and body that you are safe and can be happy.
Here’s the catch. Your mind and body won’t believe platitudes. You need to take action to develop a concrete plan of what you will do if faced with the same situation in the future.
You can do this by thinking out what steps you need to take. This could be to:
Visit a psychologist to work through your phobia or trauma, gain confidence, or get out of a bad situation or relationship.
Stand eyeball to eyeball with your fear and take action despite its pull.
Write out clear boundaries on how you will insist on being treated in the future.
Write out the repercussions if these boundaries are breached. Create your action plan: If X, Y, or Z happens, then I will…..
Take action to change a negative situation in your life, such as leaving a relationship, a job, or an environment.
You need a concrete prescription you will take to protect yourself from future attacks. Once you have your action plan, your mind and body will trust you that you are now, in fact, safe.
Quickly forgiving does not make you a better person. You are hurting your relationship instead of helping it.
In a scientific study published in 2018, marriages in which partners refused to tolerate a repeat of hurtful behavior to receive forgiveness decreased the incidence of transgressors hurting them again. Standing up and demanding change resulted in marriages with more considerate behavior than those who forgave without condition throughout the four-year study (2).
Insisting on change from someone who has hurt you is not selfish; it can heal and improve your relationship. So stand tall and be strong. Demand to be treated better.
Be a person of your word, and your body and mind will relax and let go.
If X happens, you will do Z. Period. There will be no grey room, no second chances, and you won’t be pushed.
Brainstorm Answers
Why did someone hurt you?
Was it their intention to hurt you, or is it a side effect?
If this person is a mean bastard, or a controlling, power-hungry gal, why are they this way?
It is a misconception that you need to like someone to forgive them. Don't worry; you must not cultivate positive feelings toward someone you want to forgive.
You need to develop an understanding of who they are with a dash of empathy.
Empathy means you try looking at the world from their perspective and life story. It doesn’t mean you should excuse or condone their behavior.
After all, plenty of people have suffered trauma, heartache, illness, and tragedy and managed to become even kinder, more generous and loving individuals.
Knowing the reasons why someone is who they are, and treated you as they did, can help you to heal and forgive. According to research, seeing the world through the perpetrator's eyes can indeed aid you in cultivating benevolent feelings toward the person who has hurt you (3).
Understanding the transgressor can also help you to decide what future interaction you desire and what level of forgiveness you will give.
Set a Goal
Get specific about what you mean when you say that you will forgive someone.
If you are worried that forgiveness involves the old saying "forgive and FORGET," think again. You do not need to forget to forgive. The key is to let the fear and anxiety go by creating and acting on the action plan you have created above if there is a next time.
So if forgiveness isn’t forgetting, what does it mean?
Does forgiveness mean that you let go of your desire for retaliation, your resentment, or anger? Or would you like to release negative emotions and move toward positive feelings toward this person?
Your answer is unique to you.
There is no right or wrong definition of forgiveness success.
It could be that you need to sever ties with the person who has hurt you. Your goal could then be to release all negative emotions toward this person as you act to cut them out of your life.
In another situation, you may want to work farther than a feeling of neutrality.
Say the person has given you a genuine apology and is trying to make amends and you therefore still want a relationship with the person.
You've demanded change, and they agree they will act differently in the future.
Your goal, in this case, may be to not only release anger, resentment, and the instinct for revenge but to generate positive feelings toward the person who has hurt you.
Or your goal could be somewhere on the continuum of release and positivity. Just define the freedom and intent for which you are searching.
Pause. Go Somewhere Green
“It is much more agreeable to offend and later ask forgiveness than to be offended and grant forgiveness.” - Friedrich Nietzsche.
Forgiveness requires inner strength. The next step on your journey towards forgiveness is to develop your emotional muscles.
Go for a walk, get on a bus, or travel by bike to a wood, park, lake, or your own garden. Leave your digital connections behind.
Listen. Listen to the birds, the wind, the rustling of leaves. Touch a tree. Lean against the trunk of a tree or sit on the grass near flowers or water.
Watch your thoughts glide through your mind. Each time a negative experience arises, with the person you want to forgive peace and happiness. If you pray, you can also say a prayer for the person you want to forgive.
At first, this most likely will feel fake.
Forgiveness can present a fifty-five-story chasm to leap, especially if the offender has not apologized.
Making the leap to forgiveness will be worth the effort. According to research at
You want to open yourself to joy, love, and success. Use your desire for well-being as fuel. Send out a prayer or a wish for the person you want to forgive every day.
How long should you keep up the daily wishing well festival of forgiveness? Every day until one day, you realize the negative feelings have evaporated.
Keep Releasing
No one, including me, can know how long this should or will take. Don't judge yourself harshly if you can't forgive quickly, or ever. Strive for a gradual reduction in the time you devote to thinking about the experience.
When thoughts of the person and negative feelings surface, say to yourself or aloud, I let release. Play withholding your arms straight out in front of you, then turning your palms down toward the floor as if dropping the thought. Release your arms to your sides and shake out your arms.
You’ll Die
Imagine you discover today that you have nine more days to live. Will you want to keep giving these negative memories and people your valuable attention and emotion?
Make a list of all the things you want to do before you die. Make a second list of everything in your daily life that brings you joy. Keep your files handy and pull them out to read through once a day. Turn your attention over and over again to your passions, purpose, and the joy of living.
The reality is that you may die in a day, or a year, or eighty-seven years from now. Start the inner work of forgiving and you will set yourself free to be filled with the serenity of the present moment and the happiness that should be yours.
wishing your radiant health, joy, abundance, Heather
McNulty, J K. “Forgiveness Increases the Likelihood of Subsequent Partner Transgressions in Marriage.” Advances in Pediatrics., U.S. National Library of Medicine, Dec. 2010, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21171779.
Russell, V M, et al. “‘You're Forgiven, but Don't Do It Again!" Direct Partner Regulation Buffers the Costs of Forgiveness.” Advances in Pediatrics., U.S. National Library of Medicine, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/29708364.
Takaku, S. “The Effects of Apology and Perspective Taking on Interpersonal Forgiveness: a Dissonance-Attribution Model of Interpersonal Forgiveness.” Advances in Pediatrics., U.S. National Library of Medicine, Aug. 2001, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11577848.