You think you are in an unhealthy relationship. Deep down you KNOW you are in a bad relationship.
Most of the time you try to endure the dysfunction and pain. Instead of a fulfilled life with profound moments of connection and happiness, your relationship causes you dejection, shame, anger, sadness, anxiety, or fear.
Perhaps your partner even is a weight dragging you back from thriving in life. Your health, finances, career/business, friendships, passion, purpose, or dreams are hit regularly with a sledgehammer.
Your partner is not a source of strength, support, inspiration, laughter, joy, calm, comfort, and deep connection.
On the contrary, it could be worse. Instead of an absence of positivity, affection, kindness, fun, and love, your relationship could be making you physically or mentally sick.
So why are you staying in this bad relationship?
Please don’t panic or cringe. Berating yourself for staying in an unhealthy relationship is not the answer.
Discovering the reason why you are staying in is the key that will unlock the door to healing and action to improve your life. So what's your motivation?
Security, safety, comfort
Are you staying because your partner provides you with security, safety, or comfort?
Your partner could be earning the only income. You fear striking out on your own because you aren't sure if you can make a living on your own. Or you know that you won't be able to maintain the same level of lifestyle if you leave.
If it isn't the financial security that is keeping you in the wrong relationship, is it the comfort? Your relationship may not be a source of fun, happiness, joy, affection, and inspiration, but you know your partner will be there for you no matter what.
You are convinced that your partner will be there to support you in the case of an illness, accident, tragedy, or even a bad day. You aren’t willing to give up this source of security and comfort.
Mask for your Inner Thorns
Staying in a bad relationship can mask the inner pain and blockages holding you as a hostage. You've found someone who knows your pain points and has learned to either tiptoe around them, or fight you about them, but still stay with you.
Or is it that you don't particularly like your partner, but you need them to love you? You need definite confirmation that someone will stay with you despite your flaws.
Do you have a hole of loneliness within you, and your relationship is what masks the gap? No, the bad relationship does not fill the void, but it does offer a convincing cover to hide what's lurking beneath the surface.
Fear of being alone
Your relationship is devoid of deep, loving connection and happiness, but you are not alone. Leaving the lousy relationship would mean venturing out on your own.
You fear loneliness.
You think you’ll never find someone new with whom to share your life. Or perhaps you believe you could find someone new, but you won’t be lucky enough to find a better relationship. All relationships have problems.
You’re willing to endure the suffering of staying if it means you don’t risk being alone.
Low self-esteem
Do you believe in your value? Everywhere else in your life, you are confident and balanced. In your relationship, it's an entirely different story. You aren't sure that you deserve better than the wretchedness you tolerate.
You don’t want to admit it to anyone that part of you feels broken. You know only too well your faults, weaknesses, and deep emotional fissures. Who are you to demand a relationship full of kindness, patience, comfort, laughter, support, affection, and inspiration?
Hope
You believe people can change. Relationships can improve. Things will get better. You’re not the sort of person to give up when the going gets tough.
You believe that your partner is the way they are because of previous trauma or life experiences. Deep down, they are a wonderful person. If you can work through the issues, you will be able to have the relationship of your dreams.
Sure, in the meantime life in the relationship is pure misery. You aren’t getting much in the way of affection, support, kindness, happiness, or comfort. It doesn’t matter. You trust things will turn around, eventually.
Ego
Your relationship isn't that bleak and abysmal. Sure, you don't look forward to going home and seeing your partner. You fight or don't talk for days. You can't remember the last time you had a deep connecting conversation, but it doesn't matter.
You can put up with the lack of tranquility and joy in your relationship because your partner critically feeds your ego.
Perhaps your partner is eye candy that you like to show off as yours. Is this true?
Or is your partner a brilliant, wealthy, or famous individual? Do you enjoy the association of being with them enough that it is worth the bad relationship?
Even if your partner isn’t gorgeous, famous, wealthy, or brilliant, your ego is boosted by being together for some other reason. Your ego can’t let go of the dysfunctional relationship.
Children
Have you convinced yourself that you must stay in the relationship for the sake of your children? Sure, you're miserable, and your relationship is a black hole of despair, at least part of the time.
You love your children. You’re willing to survive the lack of love, affection, joy, and inner peace for their benefit.
Lack of courage to start over
Are you scared to start over from scratch? You hate the way you are living, but you hate the idea of starting over even more. It could be the idea of dating again appalls you.
You don’t want to go through the energy and time of starting over, finding someone new, and building up a life together.
Even if it doesn’t scare you, it sounds exhausting.
Better to stay in the wrong relationship than to have to start over. After all, you don't know any couples who have been together as long as you have who are still crazy in love and having great fun together. You're not abnormal.
Depression
You know that your relationship is unhealthy and a source of desperation instead of happiness. You can hardly summon the energy to get out of bed in the morning, let alone take on the task of ending a relationship. What is the point? You are feeling so low and dejected; you don't do anything that brings you happiness anymore.
Your marriage is like your parents
Your parents didn’t have a marriage filled with laughter, affection, fun, and loving-kindness. Relationships are suffering. You know that the point of the relationship is to persevere through times of doubt, despair, sadness, hurt, and anger.
It may not get better. But you are like your parents. You’re not the sort of person who doesn’t give up.
It isn’t THAT bad, not really
Sure, you know your relationship is not healthy. You aren’t a source of joy and inspiration for one another. Who cares? There are some good elements to the relationship, and you are willing to deal with the irritation, pain, sorrow, and disappointment. You know things could be better. Then again, they could be worse.
Positive Illusions
You always cry on your birthday because your spouse forgets. You end up continuing to work in a job you hate to pay the bills because your partner wants you to bring home the paycheck. Sure, there are harmful elements in your relationship. You know your partner has weaknesses and mistakes. We all do. So you focus all the more on what they do right and decide these are more important. A partner who is a loving and attentive father is more important than remembering your birthday. The sex is mind-blowing, which is way more important than staying in a job you hate.
The Sex is Amazing
Are you staying in the relationship for the epic sex life you share? Sure, negative emotions saturate your entire relationship, but you can't give up the sex. You're addicted.
The Investment
Are you staying in a bad relationship because of how long you have been together? Are you staying in a black-hole relationship because of the amount of money and time you have invested?
You could have bought a house together, raised children together, and built a business as a pair. You don’t want to walk away from so much.
Complacency
Are you surrounded by people who maltreat you? Did your parents or other family members treat you the way your partner is now?
It isn't that you don't believe that you deserve a relationship that is a source of kindness, joy, laughter, affection, inspiration, comfort, and tranquility. Perhaps you don't know what a link like that would look like in real life. Do they even exist?
Do you believe such healthy relationships only belong in fairy tales or movies?
Loving to a Fault
Are you the sort of person who gives and gives until the point of exhaustion, while getting crumbs in return? https://www.wikihow.com/Forget-the-Love-of-Your-Life
You are so loving that you never keep track. It could be years before you even recognize that your partner isn't giving nearly as much as you are investing in them. You didn't see the pattern of generosity of spirit flowing one way.
Now you don’t know what to do. You’re not sure you’re strong enough to walk away and find a relationship that gives you as much as you invest.
Self-sabotage
Are you self-sabotaging your happiness and success in life? Are you using your partner as an excuse for not going after your dreams, improving your health or finances, healing yourself, or finding more purpose?
Now that you read through the list, what is your reason for staying in a bad relationship? Have you concluded? Is there more than one reason you are hanging on to the person?
Believe me when I say that you deserve a relationship filled with joy, affection, inspiration, and serenity. The evil you know is NOT better than the unknown. Be courageous to make a change.
A change may not be walking away from a relationship. The answer could be on repairing or healing as a team. Unfortunately, such an effort requires the real will of both people in the relationship to enact change.
If your partner won’t or can’t change to shift the relationship into a source of positivity, happiness, and kindness, then prepare to walk away.
You may not believe that life alone can bring you the happiness, purpose, peace, and success in life you desire. It can. Give yourself a chance to thrive, instead of surviving.
Wishing you only healthy, happy relationships –Heather Nadine.